I have decided to give myself a little break from social media for a while - the summertime is when I have no schoolwork to do so I tell myself I am going to focus on the things that are important to me, then I find myself coming home from work at the end of the day and being just tired enough that I almost automatically open my computer and zone out. I don’t like that it’s instinctual, I don’t like that I can be so easily pulled out of the book I’m reading when a notification pops up on my phone. I want to make sure I remember that I take pictures for myself - because it’s what I love to do - not just for a facebook album

I am reposting this from a status that I just put on facebook (telling friends to contact me by phone, not online, if they feel the desire to talk to me). not using tumblr will be by far the hardest, more so than facebook, twitter, etc. it will actually likely be extremely hard, which sounds quite pathetic now that I write it out, because you know, it’s only a website, but really it’s sort of a big part of my life. I found out people can be wonderful and beautiful, something I honestly didn’t know when I was younger in high school, and it’s a constant source of inspiration - I credit this website in general, and a lot of the artists I’ve met/followed through tumblr, in playing an unimaginably huge part in my own development as an artist. but that’s just the thing, I’m still developing, and I think I’ve known for a while now that it’s one thing to be inspired by other people’s gorgeous art, but it’s another thing entirely to really work to make my own. I can get so sucked into these things sometimes that I forget my initial aim, what really satisfies me: creating. making art.

I’ve been feeling so numb and desensitized lately so I think that’s what really made me get this idea in my mind. I want to go back to the time when I could find inspiration in my simple surroundings, or maybe not go back but create a new time for myself. I am going to cure myself of this numbness - I’m going to read the books on my shelf, clean out my room and give away plenty of things (I have too many things), and god damnit I am going to look at the sky and I am going to gasp because it makes me feel something that I haven’t felt in a long, long time

I love the morning and I love the night but the afternoon always bores me.

it is 12:20 am and I want so desperately to watch a beautiful old movie right now but I am going to be responsible and go to sleep because I must wake up at 6 o’clock tomorrow morning to get to work. tomorrow, tomorrow I will do things for me

I want to do a lot of things by myself this summer because I think that is necessary

and I also want to do a lot of things with lovely people who make me feel good because I think that is also necessary

I reconnected with Taylor after not speaking for a year. things were bad between us, by the time we were just about finished with high school we were also in the throes of finding ourselves, or defining ourselves maybe, and I have realized that I think maybe that is something I needed to be alone for. senior year was when I decided to make a conscious effort to not be cynical, to be friends with or at least friendly to (almost) everybody, but mostly I grew comfortable with myself. I am someone who has always spent a great deal of time alone, but I learned that I needed to balance my alone time with other things - including people - in order to appreciate myself more. that was when I decided to surround myself only with people who made me happy. Taylor has always been one of my best friends, but at that point neither of us were happy, we were just not good for each other, constantly together, constantly being compared to one another, etc etc. it wasn’t healthy so we broke it off, the friendship ended, and it was worse than leaving any romantic relationship I had ever been involved in. not that I even had very many of them, but I never could manage to fully invest myself wholly in a boyfriend in high school (I don’t even know if I can now). but that friendship meant a lot to me, I know it did for both of us, and the end of anything truly meaningful is hard

I was angry at the time, but also sad, and sadness lasts much, much longer than anger. sadness doesn’t fade, I think. I was too shy and scared to see if reconciliation might be an option, but thankfully she wasn’t (I need to stop being scared).

we had coffee today, sat in the rickety chairs until the cafe closed and then we sat on patches of grass overlooking a cold beach, and filled each other in on what we’d missed in the past year. and things were good, and things felt right. these days I promise myself I am only going to do things that feel good and right